Meh (my_window_seat) wrote,

Onward and upward - to Narnia and the North

Sometimes I feel invisible in a swirl of electronic and internal madess, but it isn't until there's that brief moment of contact that I realize that it's still possible to feel alone. As long as there's a wall, I don't think about it being there - it's just a feature of the landscape. I don't even remember building it, and I don't make an special effort to maintain it - but I don't take any steps to tear it down or climb over it. After a couple of weeks of commuiting to work with a friend I found that it gave - brackets to my days and nights that I didn't know I would miss until it ended. When it stopped I went into a serious tailspin and had to crutch along on clonazepam just to keep the walls from tightening until I couldn't breathe. Tonight, just a brief contact, online from a distant friend - a congratulations for a small goal met - and that small kick of seratonin makes the world glow a little more brightly. I guess somehow, sometimes it seems like the chances I take online are the ones involving the least amount of risk but are also those that have the better chance of an actual return. I know that I wouldn't be the person I am now, for better or worse, without the realtionships, whether created in meatspace and continued online or the reverse - started on the interwebs and developed and actualized IRL -

It's all such a puzzle.

Tonight I had some of both, A real dinner witha real friend in real time, and that wisp of hello, well done, on the interwebs.

It's strange.
Sometimes unstatisfying.
Sometimes just enough to keep me going when I'm afraid I'm just a series of synapes that  can disengage and spin away from themselves into the ether and just - stop

And sometimes
It'll do pig. It'll do.

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