If it wasn't pure selfishness - the need to have that mind and heart in my life, in the place where it is missing
If I were able to be as disengaged enough to not just wish you happiness, but hear the details without my heart shredding like tissue paper
If I could be happy enough in my own life to be able - stable enough - to swallow my pride and take the chance of asking for friendship after shoving you away with both hands and kicking the door closed behind you
The second one's the worst. That hurts the most. That I hope - believe, even - that you are happy. Living the way that best suits who you know yourself to be. And that hearing how that is playing out through your other relationships -
I have a visceral, physical reaction to that. Anti-anxiety meds can only do so much. They can't entirely unlock the iron band around my heart. I need it there, to keep it from breaking.
But for what it's worth - I hope your life is truly grand right now. That you are doing what you want, where you want, surrounded by the people you love the most.
Even if I don't get to hear about it.
That isn't all that I want, but it will do.
That's what I want for you.