Today was supposed to be an assessment/intake appointment for counseling, and it ended up being not the 1 hour session I expected with just a counselor, but a 4 hour 3-way with a counselor, then another counselor, and then a - I can't remember her title but it was a new variant of "case manager," the latter of which I have decided is one of the most awesome people, partly because of her personality (which says something as I don't get a long with most females), and partly because her job is to help a person search for resources, establish a baseline for pretty much all areas of your life in terms of both coping and daily living skills, and she is able to not just see people in an office, but also go anywhere at all in the city to meet with people as best suits them. In a city where there is FUCK ALL in the way of transportation if you don't have a car (seriously - the supposed 'transit system' here goes well beyond joke and way into insulting), this is a service that to me seems like an absolute godsend. Currently I still have my car, but without a steady income coming in (see: fired CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE, by a boss who takes the appellation of 'dickhead' to new and transcendent heights) - life is feeling not just precarious, but more like pre-fucking-inescapable-sinkhole. It's amazing how people will listen to you when you tell them that you have a suicide plan in place, not because you necessarily *want* to die, but are about to be in a position where that seems like the best of all possible options (see also: if my healthcare goes away I only have months to live anyway, yadda yadda).
Anyway, not-case-manager Heather is coming to my house tomorrow morning to get an idea of the space I live in (and how the broom closet dimensions are one of the challenges that I'm having trouble with), and then we'll go to a cafe to continue working on figuring out what resources to pursue - one of which will be getting help applying for disability, something that I HATE the idea of doing, but have finally had to accept is a necessity. Also, shorter term options, since getting denied - and denied - and denied - is not only common, but something that one should not only expect, but assume and plan contingencies for.
These are the kinds of things that I find easier to help *other* people with, but when it comes to doing them on my own, for myself - I dunno. It's like a frosted Lucite wall descends between me and the intended tasks, and I can vaguely make out the outlines, but can neither fully grasp nor connect with them. Vapor lock or somesuch. This isn't something I have the luxury of not being able to not deal with, so - it's one of the areas I am in great need of assistance with, and is EXACTLY what Heather is all about. After today, again, I'm wiped out - but I feel more hopeful than I have in, oh, about 9 months or more. Basically, pre-hospital. So. We're also going to look at formulating a game plan to help me finish my incompletes for school, and maybe see if there's some way I can get funding for the A$$L0AD of expensive testing to get my teaching license. Although another thing I have to accept is that I'll never be able to teach full-time - I just don't have the physical constitution necessary for it anymore - if I can teach part-time, and do some other stuff for $$ part-time (theatre, getting the Etsy store up and running, etc.), in theory I should be able to get back to the usual things-are-tight-but-manageable space again. Poor, I'm used to. On the brink of homelessness - not so much.
So. That was my day. I wanted to do the bargain movie thing tonight but I'm still feeling hung-over from that AWFUL medication last night, so I think I'm going to try to do a little cleaning - I think I may have 20-30 minutes in me before all the muscles in my lower/mid back trying to strangle my spine AND rip their way right out of my body - and then just - blargh. Watch reruns of Sherlock I think.
Seriously. I am fucking DONE with today.
In a good way for a change.
Which is pretty damn cool.